Frederick

My Darling Frederick,

I write to you from the heart of the Trump Casino, bearing the unfortunate news that I am with child. You needn't write to me. I fully understand that a gentleman of your status would dishonor his family name by marrying beneath him.

In exchange for my silence regarding the lineage of my child, I hope that you will grant me a few allowances.

One: It is important that seven jars of orange marmalade are delivered to my rooms semiannually.

Two: I would like a steady supply of ballpoint pens.

Three: I shall never touch a piece of cotton again in my life.

I have every confidence that we shall reach an amicable agreement.


Regards,
Your Aunt Calgary

Dearest Elizabeth

Dearest Elizabeth,

Although I have enjoyed many conversations and have mused greatly on different points we have made, I generally think you are slutty and self-involved. Though we may share blood, that does not make it acceptable to steer every conversation at the beach back to your half accomplished do-nothings. The family merely smiles and nods to be polite. I am writing this letter to let you know we are all disappointed in you.

Yours,
Calgary Bow, Esq.

To my Owl---

Your eyes
aglow
I walk the cobblestone without you
wishing it was winter again
And we could squawk.

Your breast, the most glorious plumage this side
of the Mississippi
One day you shall return to me, glistening
with the sweet perfume of the river below.

I, your devoted consort, shall wait for you
in anticipation
of caressing your rose petal soft lips


Your humble servant,
Calgary Bow